Venturing into the Unknown.

Today was my first day off in a while. You would think it would be full of relaxation and absolutely no stress; however I feel like it has been just the opposite. As I was getting things organized for my upcoming move to Germany in a month, I started to have a sort of panic attack. I started to think about my plans after I return from Germany such as where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing. And that’s when the panicking began. The fact is, I don’t know where I’ll be once I return, and there is no telling what I’ll be doing.

“All of life is a foreign country.”
– Jack Kerouac

In my perfect world, I would find some job in television or film production in New York City that would provide me with a steady income and wonderful benefits. However, as we all know, those industries are very hard to break into, especially the movie business. I am not set on living in NYC, but I know that I need to be where the opportunities are taking place. Will I even have enough money once I return to move if I did somehow get that magical job? If not, would I settle with living in Atlanta for a couple of years to earn more money for a potential move? There are, of course, movie and television productions happening here. The problem with that is, I don’t want to live in Atlanta. Having been born in Houston, Texas and then moving to Atlanta, Georgia when I was sixteen, I’ve come to the conclusion that Atlanta is not the place for me. Sure, it was great during my high school years and I wouldn’t have changed a second of it, but what it comes down to is that I don’t become inspired in this city, and I don’t see myself happily living here for the rest of my life.

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.”
– Martin Buber

This may sound far-stretched and a bit crazy, but ever since I studied in London and became absorbed with filmmaking at the University of Alabama, I feel like there’s something bigger out there for me. I realize many people probably have this same feeling, but I didn’t feel it until only a year or two ago. I had never envisioned big plans for me before; I always thought I’d follow the black-and-white, or the very simple and obvious, route that most individuals follow: college, any job you can take, marriage, kids, and then boom you’re forty. I used to see that for me, but now I want something more in the job department. Yes, I still want to be married and have kids, but unlike most of the people I know in the South, I would not want to get married until I am 26 or 27 years old. Even with that age on the table, I’m terrified because there is so much I want to do beforehand. The fact that I did not envision so much for me before actually makes me sad, because now I know that I would have missed out on so much if I did not have my sort of epiphany.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why.”
– Mark Twain

(*Street Art from Berlin, I do not claim rights to these pictures.*)

Basically, what I’m saying is, I don’t know what is going to happen when I return, and I don’t know where I’ll end up; as of now, all I can do is continue to do what I love and inspires me and hope that everything will fall in place after that. My life motto is, “Everything happens for a reason,” and that phrase has seriously been the shoulder I lean on when unfortunate things happen. I need to live completely in the present and not worry about the future, especially when the future I’m worrying about is over a year away.

While in Berlin, I will be making videos for a production company, exploring one of the most historical cities in the world, and becoming involved in the Berlin Film Festival where I can hopefully make contacts that can seal that future job for me. I mean, I may even be bilingual by then! I may not know how the future will play out, but I know I’m taking all of the right steps. Where those steps will lead me, who knows? But you have to admit, there is some type of excitement in the not-knowing part. Hopefully, a year or two from now, I will look back upon this post and laugh. I will think about how ridiculous I sound considering how great the future turned out. The truth is, I’m scared. However, I know from experience that the situations that scare you the most and force you out of your comfort zone are usually the greatest lessons of all. Wish me luck! I will do the same for you. As Mary Oliver once said, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Venturing into the Unknown.

  1. Great post! My favorite post so far probably because it’s so relatable. I think that even if you aren’t doing exactly what you want to do right after Berlin or the money and benefits aren’t immediately there, you will get there eventually. Sooner rather than later I’m sure, but there’s nothing wrong with achieving success and fulfilling your dreams a little bit later if that’s how it turns out, at least in my opinion. It’s turned out the way for a lot of successful people, including filmmakers.

  2. Thank you! I’m glad I’m not alone, and there’s definitely nothing wrong with things taking a bit more time to achieve.

  3. Paula Peeples

    Whatever you do will turn put great. Everyone of us in your family is here to support you. You can call or text me or any of us. We all love you

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