Today was my first day off in a while. You would think it would be full of relaxation and absolutely no stress; however I feel like it has been just the opposite. As I was getting things organized for my upcoming move to Germany in a month, I started to have a sort of panic attack. I started to think about my plans after I return from Germany such as where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing. And that’s when the panicking began. The fact is, I don’t know where I’ll be once I return, and there is no telling what I’ll be doing.
In my perfect world, I would find some job in television or film production in New York City that would provide me with a steady income and wonderful benefits. However, as we all know, those industries are very hard to break into, especially the movie business. I am not set on living in NYC, but I know that I need to be where the opportunities are taking place. Will I even have enough money once I return to move if I did somehow get that magical job? If not, would I settle with living in Atlanta for a couple of years to earn more money for a potential move? There are, of course, movie and television productions happening here. The problem with that is, I don’t want to live in Atlanta. Having been born in Houston, Texas and then moving to Atlanta, Georgia when I was sixteen, I’ve come to the conclusion that Atlanta is not the place for me. Sure, it was great during my high school years and I wouldn’t have changed a second of it, but what it comes down to is that I don’t become inspired in this city, and I don’t see myself happily living here for the rest of my life.
This may sound far-stretched and a bit crazy, but ever since I studied in London and became absorbed with filmmaking at the University of Alabama, I feel like there’s something bigger out there for me. I realize many people probably have this same feeling, but I didn’t feel it until only a year or two ago. I had never envisioned big plans for me before; I always thought I’d follow the black-and-white, or the very simple and obvious, route that most individuals follow: college, any job you can take, marriage, kids, and then boom you’re forty. I used to see that for me, but now I want something more in the job department. Yes, I still want to be married and have kids, but unlike most of the people I know in the South, I would not want to get married until I am 26 or 27 years old. Even with that age on the table, I’m terrified because there is so much I want to do beforehand. The fact that I did not envision so much for me before actually makes me sad, because now I know that I would have missed out on so much if I did not have my sort of epiphany.
(*Street Art from Berlin, I do not claim rights to these pictures.*)
Basically, what I’m saying is, I don’t know what is going to happen when I return, and I don’t know where I’ll end up; as of now, all I can do is continue to do what I love and inspires me and hope that everything will fall in place after that. My life motto is, “Everything happens for a reason,” and that phrase has seriously been the shoulder I lean on when unfortunate things happen. I need to live completely in the present and not worry about the future, especially when the future I’m worrying about is over a year away.
While in Berlin, I will be making videos for a production company, exploring one of the most historical cities in the world, and becoming involved in the Berlin Film Festival where I can hopefully make contacts that can seal that future job for me. I mean, I may even be bilingual by then! I may not know how the future will play out, but I know I’m taking all of the right steps. Where those steps will lead me, who knows? But you have to admit, there is some type of excitement in the not-knowing part. Hopefully, a year or two from now, I will look back upon this post and laugh. I will think about how ridiculous I sound considering how great the future turned out. The truth is, I’m scared. However, I know from experience that the situations that scare you the most and force you out of your comfort zone are usually the greatest lessons of all. Wish me luck! I will do the same for you. As Mary Oliver once said, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”